I turned 40. Here's what I'd tell my 30-year-old self.
In September, I turned 40, and it got me thinking about how ten years ago I was struggling with the idea of turning 30. There were boxes I hadn't checked yet that felt like massive weights hanging over my head. I was working my way up the corporate ladder, getting sidelined by organizational politics, and the idea of becoming an ICF Certified Leadership Coach wasn't even on my radar.
I started a list of things I'd go back and tell my younger, 30-year-old self. About 20 items in, I realized that none of them were about achieving more. Most were about noticing sooner, trusting myself, and not waiting for permission that was never coming from anyone else anyway.
As the list grew, the lessons fell into six themes.
Redefining Success and Self-Worth
For most of my thirties, I measured progress by titles, promotions, and how busy I looked from the outside. None of it ever felt like arriving, because I was chasing a finish line someone else drew.
The job title will never feel like enough; stop waiting for the one that finally does.
Most of what you're chasing is someone else's definition of success. Once you define it for yourself, you stop needing outside approval to feel confident in your choices.
You've spent over a decade trying to prove your worth to everyone else, when the person who needed convincing was you. Once you fully own your value and your decisions, people will see it too.
Perfection isn't a standard; it's a moving target that keeps you busy instead of effective.
Comparing your career to someone else's LinkedIn updates will always make you feel behind.
Celebrate wins when they happen instead of moving straight to the next goal.
Rest, Energy, and Burnout
I used to treat rest like something I'd get to once the work was done, and the work was never done. My body tried to tell me long before I was willing to listen.
You don't have to earn rest, it isn't a reward for finishing.
Energy is your most valuable resource. Stop spending it on people and situations that don't deserve it.
Nature is non-negotiable. Try your hardest to prioritize it, because one day it'll become your lifeline... and one of your core service offerings!
Burnout doesn't show up all at once, it builds slowly, and if you don't listen, you'll find yourself crying over a spreadsheet in a hotel room on a Friday at 9pm in Nashville, TN.
Sleep isn't optional, and no amount of coffee makes up for it.
Take the walk at lunch, the email will still be there in 20 minutes.
The tired, stretched-thin version of you isn't doing your best work, even when it's the version people praise.
You'll regret the trips you didn't take far more than the work you didn't finish.
Trusting Yourself and Using Your Voice
I spent years waiting for someone to tell me I was ready, qualified, or right. Most of the time I already knew the answer; I just hadn't trusted it yet.
Nobody is going to give you permission; stop waiting for it and start acting.
Trust your first instinct and decisions more often. Most of the time you second-guessed yourself or took advice from others, it didn't work out in your favor.
Stop apologizing for taking up space. Your opinions and insights shape the direction your team takes, because you think things through and know how to influence a situation.
See something, say something. You're wildly skilled at noticing the gaps and risks other people miss, so when something feels off, speak up instead of assuming someone else already caught it.
Over-explaining a decision makes it sound less certain, so say what you decided and why, and stop there.
Feedback is information, not a verdict on who you are.
Even as a 40-year-old woman in leadership, people will still doubt you. Don't let it make you play small, because the more confidence you bring to the table, the more confidence they'll have in you.
Ask for the raise, the project, or the promotion before you feel ready. If they say you're not ready, don't use it as proof of what you already believe. Instead, ask for concrete feedback on gaps you need to close to be considered next time.
Boundaries and Protecting Your Time
Every yes I gave without thinking was a no to something else, usually my own priorities. Protecting my time didn't make me less helpful; it made me more present for the people and work I care about.
Saying yes to everything doesn't make you indispensable; it makes you overextended.
Boundaries feel awkward at first because you're not used to holding them, and they get easier every time you do.
Protect your time before someone else fills it. Telling people when you'll be available to support them or answer questions keeps your ADHD brain from hyper-focusing on the wrong thing.
You don't have to respond the moment someone reaches out, and setting expectations up front is kinder than answering half-distracted.
Asking for what you need isn't demanding; it's how people know how to support you.
Relationships and Support
I tried to carry a lot on my own because asking for help felt like admitting I couldn't handle it. The people I eventually let in, from friends to coaches to a good therapist, made the hard seasons lighter and the good ones better.
Building relationships with people who'll advocate for you will move your career further than one more credential.
The people who fuel you are worth more of your calendar than the people who drain you.
Some friends are meant for a season, and you can be grateful for them without forcing them into the next one.
You'll inspire more people by being yourself than by trying to be inspiring.
The people watching you most closely are learning from how you handle the hard days, not the easy ones.
When things get tough, hire a therapist. It's not a sign you're failing; it's just a sign that things have gotten too heavy to carry alone.
Partner with coaches, mentors, and peers who'll listen deeply and tell you the truth, even when it's not what you want to hear. Even better if these partners can release their own agenda and truly meet you where you are.
Change and Career Growth
At 30, I was in the thick of a work environment that was wearing me down. As hard as those final few years were, I've since realized that every stage of my corporate career, including the hard parts, built the stories, skills, and knowledge I rely on with clients today.
Your strengths aren't the things you work hardest at; they're the things that come so naturally you've been overlooking them.
Pay attention to the moments you lose track of time; they're pointing you toward work that energizes you.
You can be good at something and still not want to do it for the rest of your career.
Don't worry, the career path you're on won't last forever, and the experience you're getting right now will absolutely help you when you become a coach.
Office politics will show up whether you play along or not, so decide what you're willing to participate in and hold that line.
Every change and transition starts with a loss, even the good ones, so give yourself room to let go of what you're leaving behind.
Change is coming whether you plan for it or not, so spend less energy resisting it and more energy deciding how you'll meet it.
I'm curious: if you had to create your own list, what would you tell your younger self from 10 years ago?
