As the end-of-year performance review season approaches, the concept of feedback can stir up mixed emotions—for both the giver and the receiver.

Giving and receiving feedback is one of the most challenging yet essential responsibilities of any leader. Effective feedback builds trust, promotes growth, and enhances performance. However, it requires more than just a quick conversation or a list of "do’s and don’ts"—it requires presence, empathy, and a strong sense of self-awareness. In Dare to Lead, Brené Brown offers practical tools for navigating these conversations with openness and respect. From her "rumble starters" and "rumble tools" to her Engaged Feedback Checklist, Brown’s methods provide a roadmap for leaders seeking to give feedback in ways that empower rather than discourage.

This article will explore these techniques and the self-awareness practices that help leaders approach feedback from a place of authenticity and care.

Giving Wholehearted & Engaged Feedback

Brene Brown Quote: Who we are is how we lead

Brené Brown’s Engaged Feedback Checklist serves as a guide for leaders preparing for feedback conversations. Emphasizing self-awareness, presence, and empathy, it ensures leaders approach feedback in a way that fosters growth rather than defensiveness or resentment. Here’s what it entails:

I’m ready to sit next to you rather than across from you.
I’m willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us.
I’m ready to listen, ask questions, and accept that I may not fully understand the issue.
I want to acknowledge what you do well instead of just picking apart your mistakes.
I recognize your strengths and how you can use them to address challenges.
I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming.
I’m open to owning my part if necessary.
I can genuinely say, “Let’s talk about how to make this better,” rather than “You need to do better.”
I’m willing to model the vulnerability and openness I expect from you.

Self-Awareness Checks Before Giving Feedback

Brown’s checklist is more effective when paired with self-awareness checks that ensure you’re approaching feedback with empathy, clarity, and a collaborative spirit. Consider the following questions:

Clarify Your Intentions: “Am I giving this feedback to help them grow, or am I reacting emotionally?” Make sure you intend to foster growth, not to offload frustration.
Check Your Emotional State: “Am I calm, collected, and ready to listen?”
If you’re feeling frustrated or stressed, take a moment to center yourself before proceeding. Grounding yourself helps avoid projecting emotions onto the feedback.
Assess Your Biases and Assumptions: “Am I making assumptions about their intentions or motivations?”
Recognize any assumptions you may have and set them aside to enter the conversation with an open mind.
Consider Timing and Readiness: “Is this the right time and place for this feedback?”
Timing matters. Choose a moment when both you and the team member can focus and engage without interruptions.
Reflect on Your Role in the Situation: “Did any of my actions contribute to this issue?”
Own any part you played. This openness creates a culture of accountability, encouraging team members to do the same.
Visualize the Ideal Outcome: “What outcome would best support this person’s growth?”
Picture the positive impact the feedback could have, which will help you approach it with empathy and constructive guidance.

These self-awareness checks help leaders embody Brown’s Engaged Feedback Checklist, setting the stage for feedback that is productive and empowering.

If you’d like to download a copy of Brown’s Checklist, you can do so on her website.

Tools for Rumbling With Tough Conversations

In Dare to Lead, Brown introduces the concept of "rumbling" with tough conversations — engaging in honest dialogue while remaining open and curious.

In performance reviews, rumbling means acknowledging discomfort or tension but stepping into that space to foster understanding and connection. Brown’s "rumble starters" and "rumble tools" allow leaders to address issues directly while being open to hearing their employee’s side of the story.

💭 Rumble Starters

These starters can help you initiate difficult discussions, foster deeper connections, or gain additional understanding or clarification.

"The story I’m making up is…"
Example: "The story I’m making up is that you feel unsupported by the leadership team. Is that accurate, or can you help me understand more about your experience?"
"I’m curious about…"
Example: "I’m curious about how this new process is impacting your team. Can you share some insights?"
"Tell me more."
Example: "You mentioned feeling frustrated about the recent changes. Can you tell me more about what’s making it challenging for you?"
"Help me understand…"
Example: "Help me understand the challenges you're seeing with our current project timelines. I’d like to support you in managing these issues."
"What’s your passion around this?"
Example: "I can see you're passionate about this new initiative. What’s driving that, and how can we help amplify it?"
"What problem are we trying to solve?"
Example: "It sounds like we’re trying to tackle multiple issues at once. What problem are we ultimately trying to solve here, and what would success look like?"

💭 Rumble Tools

These tools can help you navigate difficult conversations while staying engaged, actively listening, and facilitating deeper understanding and collaboration

Identify your assumptions
Example: Before addressing a team member’s behavior, a leader could clarify, "I noticed some missed deadlines, and I want to check in to see if my assumption is correct that this is due to workload. Can we discuss what’s contributing?"
Use of “we” language to foster inclusion
Example: "We’re in this together, and I want us to brainstorm how we can improve communication across departments. What ideas do you have?"
Naming and normalizing emotions
Example: "I can imagine that this new directive brings a lot of uncertainty, and that’s completely normal. Let’s talk about what support we might need."
Practicing empathy by perspective-taking
Example: "If I were in your shoes, I’d probably feel overwhelmed, too. Let’s walk through what’s on your plate and see where we can make adjustments."
Commit to clarity by checking alignment and understanding
Example: "Just to make sure I’m fully understanding, you’re saying that shifting the deadline has impacted team morale. Is that correct?"
Reinforcing accountability through follow-up
Example: After a difficult conversation, "Thanks for opening up about these challenges. I’ll follow up in two weeks to check on our progress and see how we can continue supporting you."

Each of these rumble starters and tools empowers leaders to engage in meaningful conversations, create clarity, and build trust. Using these techniques consistently can help leaders guide their teams through challenges with empathy and openness.

Embracing Empathy, Clarity and Worthiness

When leaders cultivate an environment where employees feel safe to take risks and learn from mistakes, it promotes a growth-oriented mindset. Creating this culture doesn’t mean lowering standards or avoiding difficult conversations; instead, it helps employees approach feedback with openness and resilience. As a result, employees feel secure in their worth, making them more receptive to feedback and better equipped to grow and develop in their roles

To cultivate trust and understanding, Brené Brown emphasizes that “clear is kind, unclear is unkind.” Many leaders shy away from difficult conversations, expecting employees to pick up on subtle cues, but clarity in feedback is the most respectful and effective approach. Being direct about what’s going well and what needs improvement isn’t about being harsh but about providing actionable insights that employees can genuinely use. Clear, honest feedback allows team members to understand exactly where they stand, fostering a productive environment that values transparency.

Equally essential to clear and transparent feedback is empathy. This means connecting with an employee’s perspective, and delivering feedback in a way that helps employees feel seen, heard and valued. When leaders engage with empathy, they create a supportive atmosphere where employees are encouraged to accept and act on feedback.

Final Thoughts: Courageous Leadership is Engaged Leadership

Engaged feedback is about more than checking a box on an annual review form—it’s an opportunity to strengthen relationships, deepen trust, and inspire positive change. Brené Brown’s tools remind us that feedback is not about judgment but about connection and growth. When delivered with intention, courage, and empathy, feedback transforms from a source of anxiety into a pathway for development, strengthening relationships and enriching organizational culture.

As leaders, we have the opportunity to turn performance reviews into moments of authentic connection and meaningful development. And when feedback is delivered with intention, courage, and heart, it doesn’t just improve performance—it strengthens relationships and transforms cultures.

If this article resonated with you and you’d like more insights on leadership and vulnerability, subscribe to my newsletter for regular updates, or connect with me on LinkedIn and Instagram. If you’re ready to take these concepts from theory to practice, partnering with an ICF Certified Coach can help you do just that! Learn about the Conshy Coaching Process or schedule a complimentary discovery call to start the conversation.

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