The Secret Ingredients for a Successful Holiday Meal.... Gratitude, Acceptance, and Boundaries
As we approach the holidays, the hot topic is typically gratitude. Understandable for sure - - I wholeheartedly believe that gratitude is the secret to happiness and success. If you want to read about gratitude, you can check out these three blog posts that I wrote over the past year:
Now that you have those resources, let’s talk about another key ingredient to happiness and success…. Acceptance.
Why? Because this is the time of year that things get crazy. There are too many friends and family members trying to call the shots, buttons start to get pushed, and even if we try to remember how grateful we are for our situation, we leave dinner with our tongues nearly bleeding from biting down on them so hard... And that's during a non-pandemic year!
In all seriousness though, sometimes accepting our friends and family members for where they are on their journey and the decisions they make can be difficult. BUT how many times have we walked away from a family event thinking: “Can’t they just accept me for who I am and how I choose to live my life??”
Acceptance is difficult because we all have incredibly high expectations of ourselves, and of others. When these expectations aren’t met, we experience a stress reaction, leading to frustration, resentment, or disappointment. We also struggle with acceptance because our society has equated acceptance with approval or encouragement - but they aren’t the same. Acceptance is an act of self-preservation that allows us to protect our energy. It allows us to gain control and increase our potential for success in the moment. For example, I accepted that my old co-worker smoked, but I didn’t approve of it and definitely didn’t encourage it. The difference is instead of fighting his habit, and wishing he would change (he wouldn’t), I was accepting the situation for what it was, and protected my energy by not fighting it.
If you find yourself struggling with acceptance, I encourage you to do a self-check:
What are your expectations? AND are your expectations fair?
When learning to embrace acceptance, one of the hardest lessons we learn, is that everyone is doing the best they can given the resources they have available to them. So, when you assess if your expectations are fair, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and realize they are doing the best they can. It makes it a lot easier to understand why they may be acting the way they are.
What judgments are you making about yourself, or the other person?
Don’t believe the other person is doing the best they can? Check your judgment. You may not agree with someone's actions or decisions, but that doesn't matter. What would change if you didn’t judge something as “good” or “bad” or “right” or “wrong” and just accepted it for what it was.
Why are you being triggered by their actions?
What people say and do is about them. How we interpret their words and actions is about us. There’s a reason that your Dad’s habit of retelling the same jokes year after year or your cousin’s political decisions trigger you. Look into it. Usually, the things that are hardest for us to accept are deeply rooted in our core. We may have a fear that we’ll end up like them, or we fear that by accepting their behavior we are somehow condoning it. Whatever it is, do the inner work to understand why you’re being triggered, and work to release that energetic hold.
Are you focused on the process or the outcome?
Detached involvement is something I work on with my clients. It seems like an oxymoron, but in a nutshell, Detached Involvement means detaching from the outcome so that we can be fully present in the moment, focused on the process and open to the experience. It allows us to know that we put our entire energy and focus into the task at hand and did the best we could, and whatever happens, happens. Doctors and healthcare heroes are a great example of practicing detached involvement. Their entire focus is on the process of saving the patient’s life and doing the next best thing IN that moment; without worrying about the outcome. And no matter what the outcome, they can know with confidence that they did the best they could, and accept the results for what they are. The moment worry sets in, they are unable to show up as their best self, so they are both fully involved and detached at the same time.
Voicing your Truth
If you are worried about navigating this upcoming season, are worried about making decisions that will upset others, or are struggling to accept a family situation, it is normal. This is the first time we are navigating the holidays during a pandemic. There is no "right" answer or playbook to follow - and this is incredibly uncomfortable.
When faced with tough situations and decisions, like many are this holiday season, speak your truth, and ask others to do the same. By taking time to clearly voice boundaries, needs, and expectations with your loved ones will remove any "stealth" motives and make it easier to navigate the holidays from a place of acceptance and understanding. Then, once things are voiced, you can then brainstorm ways to fulfill each other's needs, while also respecting each other's boundaries. If you need help setting boundaries, feel free to download this free resource. It’s a quick guide for setting and communicating boundaries.
We're all in this together. If I can support you in creating a strategy to navigate difficult family situations, please let me know.
Interested in working with me? Head over to the Work With Me page and schedule your free coaching exploration call today!
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