Why I no longer position myself as a Happiness Coach.
When I first got into coaching, I positioned myself as a happiness coach. My intention was to help people realize that if they tapped into their authentic selves and adhered to their core values, then happiness [and success] would follow. My intention was to challenge people to detach from the tangible outcome “success” and to focus on being happy, to enjoy the journey.
In fact, last week, I walked through an exercise that allowed you to tap into your inner emotions and feelings to redefine success and redefine happiness. This exercise then walked you through steps that allowed you to evaluate your priorities so that you could create balance so that you could start living a life of both happiness and success.
Here is the thing. I still wholeheartedly believe (and coach towards) people rediscovering their authentic self and living true to their core values, which is why I provide exercises like the one I did last week, but I no longer brand myself as a happiness coach.
Here’s why.
Happiness is a great goal. It is something something we all, rightfully, want to experience more of, but — I would argue that it should not be the ultimate goal. It should not be something we strive to feel 24/7. Why you ask? Because wanting to be happy 24/7 sets us up for failure. We are emotional beings, we’re allowed to feel and experience emotions other than happiness.
This article is not meant to contradict last week’s post, but instead to allow you a deeper perspective and lens to help you evaluate your responses as you continue to create a life of harmony.
While I truly want people to be joyful for most of their lives, I want people to feel at peace with whatever emotions they are ultimately feeling at that moment. I want them to have the power to choose their emotions, and their reactions, to tap into the feelings that serve them best at that moment. It’s kind of like the Pixar movie Inside Out. When Riley moves to a new city, away from her friends, her main, and most important emotion, Joy, tries to keep things positive, which ultimately causes conflict with Riley’s other emotions, her authentic emotions of Fear, Anger, Disgust, and Sadness, who are trying to protect her as she navigates this massive change in her life. By silencing these other emotions, Riley withdrew from her parents, became quick to anger, and stopped playing her favorite sport.
As humans, we are emotional beings. However, from a young age, we’re taught to stifle our emotions. We’re told not to cry, to express our frustrations, to celebrate too loudly, we’re taught to mask our true emotions. This is in direct conflict to human nature. I always prided myself on not being an emotional individual, I didn’t cry at my wedding. But, what part of me was/am I hiding by doing this?
We should give ourselves permission to feel. To be happy, to be sad, to be angry, to be fearful or jealous. When a certain emotion arises, we should honor it and ask ourselves, “why is this emotion coming up for me today?” or “How long do I want to experience this emotion before moving on?”
Let’s use Riley again from Inside Out. If Joy had stepped aside and allowed Riley to feel sadness for leaving her friends, to feel fear over meeting new friends or making the hockey team, to cry, to scream, to do what she needed to do to navigate and heal during the transition, then she likely would have found peace within herself and with the move much quicker than she actually did in the movie.
Heath Ledger said “Everyone you meet always asks if you have a career, are married or own a house as if life was some kind of grocery list. But no one ever asks if you are happy.”
I would take this one step further and challenge people to ask others, and themselves, if they are at peace. If you move away from your family and friends, you can give yourself permission to be sad, you can give yourself permission to be scared, you can give yourself permission to feel.
Are you at peace with your emotions? Are you at peace with your decisions? Are you at peace with what you are doing at this moment as it relates to your current and future self? Are you at peace with the relationships you have with your friends, family members, significant other, peers, and at work?
There are seven ways you could potentially respond to this question:
Peace isn’t achievable. The world is against me. I’ll never be happy, and I won’t be liked if I speak out and show my frustrations, so I’ll just stay quiet and put a fake smile on my face.
I’d be at peace if ___ wasn’t getting in my way!
Things are fine. They could be better, but they are good enough.
Those who I care for are alive and well, so, therefore, I am at peace.
I’m blessed with the opportunities around me. I am genuinely at peace as I know I have chosen this life and these emotions that I am experiencing.
I have so much joy in my life, and I am at peace with how everything is in my life. My thoughts, emotions and actions are effortless, I welcome what I am feeling in the present moment.
I approach the world with a lens of non-judgment. I do not judge my emotions as good or bad, or my life and it’s circumstances as good or bad. I watch as my emotions come and go, accepting them for what they are, nothing more and nothing less. I am at peace with myself, I am at peace with others, I am at peace with my emotions, I am one with all.
If you responded in a way that doesn’t make you feel truly at peace or makes you feel like you’re settling and longing for more, then start to ask yourself why.
We have the power to control our emotions to tap into them in a way that best serves us at that moment. Start to pay attention to your emotions to understand what drives you and what drains you. Start to consider what changes you could do to let go of things that are holding you back so that you can start welcoming things that will bring you that peace that you are looking for.
So, do I want everyone to be happy for the majority of their life? Yes, but, in a world where happiness and success are the ultimate goals, let’s take a moment to check-in and ask ourselves what emotion would truly bring us inner peace at this moment.