July's Book of the Month: How Women Rise, by Sally Helgesen & Marshall Goldsmith
One of the most valuable books I recommend to all my leadership clients—regardless of gender—is How Women Rise by Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith. It’s the most highlighted, annotated, and well-used book in my collection of leadership and self-help titles, only rivaled by Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly.
But why should men read a book that’s focused on women? The answer is simple: any male leader or individual with women in their life should read this book to become a more effective leader, advocate, and coach.
A Quick Note
Before we delve into the 12 habits that hold women back, it’s important to recognize that not all women struggle with these behaviors, and each habit can manifest in different ways depending on the situation.
If you recognize these habits in yourself, it doesn’t mean you are flawed or broken; it simply means that you’ve adapted and learned new behaviors, as necessary, to succeed. However, if you’ve been feeling stuck, underappreciated, or frustrated over lack of growth, it may be an indication that these habits may be limiting your future potential.
At the end of this review, I’ll discuss the habits that my clients often struggle to self-identify, in more detail, and provide actionable strategies to help you move from theory to application.
Key Concept #1: The 12 Habits That Hold Women Back
These habits, while sometimes beneficial early in a career, can become significant obstacles as women seek higher-level positions.
1. Reluctance to Claim Your Achievements: Women often believe their work should speak for itself, leading them to underplay their achievements and miss out on recognition.
2. Expecting Others to Notice and Reward Your Hard Work: Waiting for others to recognize your efforts can result in being overlooked for promotions and opportunities.
3. Overvaluing Expertise: Focusing too much on mastering skills can prevent women from advancing to leadership roles, where strategic vision is more valued.
4. Building Rather than Leveraging Relationships: While relationships are crucial, failing to leverage them for professional gain can limit career progress.
5. Failing to Enlist Allies from Day One: Not seeking support early can isolate women and make it harder to navigate organizational dynamics.
6. Putting Your Job Before Your Career: Being overly committed to your current role can hinder long-term career growth and advancement opportunities.
7. The Perfection Trap: Striving for perfection creates stress and distracts from big-picture thinking, which is essential for senior positions.
8. The Disease to Please: Constantly seeking to please others can impair decision-making and make you vulnerable to manipulation.
9. Minimizing: Physically and psychologically making yourself smaller undermines your authority and leadership presence.
10. Too Much: Trying to be too helpful, too busy, or too much of anything can dilute your impact and effectiveness.
11. Ruminating: Overthinking and dwelling on mistakes can sap your energy and prevent you from moving forward.
12. Letting Your Radar Distract You: Being overly sensitive to others' needs and reactions can distract you from your own goals and priorities.
Key Concept #2: Learned Behaviors Can Be Unlearned
As Peter Drucker famously said, "We spend a lot of time teaching leaders what to do. We don’t spend nearly enough time teaching them what to stop." The habits outlined above are learned behaviors—ingrained over generations. However, as times change and women take on more leadership roles, it's crucial to unlearn these old-guard behaviors and embrace new strategies for growth and advancement.
Neuroscience tells us that through neuroplasticity, we can rewire our brains to develop new habits and behaviors. While external challenges may still exist, uprooting unhelpful habits is within your control and can significantly improve your chances of success.
While focusing on new habits can be beneficial, it is often more beneficial to focus on behaviors that you want to STOP. Here are a few examples of behaviors women should consider stopping and starting in the workplace:
STOP downplaying your achievements and START owning your success.
Instead of saying, "I just did what anyone else would do," try saying, "I'm proud of the results we achieved."
STOP avoiding self-promotion and START sharing your contributions.
Instead of waiting for someone to notice your hard work, actively share your successes during meetings or one-on-ones.
STOP over-apologizing and START setting boundaries.
Instead of saying, "Sorry, I can’t take on that project," try, "I’m currently focused on X, and I want to give it my full attention."
STOP saying ‘I think’ and START saying ‘I know.’
Replace, "I think this approach might work," with "I know this approach will work because..."
STOP minimizing your ideas and START advocating for them.
Instead of prefacing with, "This might not be important, but...," confidently say, "Here’s an idea that can add value..."
These small shifts can significantly impact how you are perceived, and perceive yourself in the workplace.
From Theory to Application
Over the past five years, I've observed that these habits rarely operate in isolation. In this section, I’ll discuss a few habits that I frequently encounter in my coaching practice, but my clients fail to recognize in themselves.
This means that I won’t be addressing the common habits that women self-identify like:
The Disease to Please
The Perfection Trap
Ruminating / Overthinking
I’m purposely skipping these because there are a number of reasons that women learn these behaviors over the course of their lives and careers, and offering a quick tip likely wouldn’t lead to a break-through. If you find yourself exhibiting these habits, it would be helpful to partner with a coach to help you understand where, and when, these behaviors were learned, which would then lead to deeper discussions about how to overcome them.
That said, I would encourage you to pause and ask yourself: “If I’m saying yes to this habit, what am I saying ‘no’ to?” This allows you to make a more objective decision if you want to say “yes” to something that isn’t yours to own, going above and beyond “good enough,” and spending exhaustive time and energy overthinking things that are outside of your control.
Habits #1 and #2: Reluctance to Claim Your Achievements & Expecting Others to Notice and Reward Your Hard Work
Women often downplay their accomplishments and wait for others to notice their hard work, leading to missed opportunities and promotions. This passive approach can be detrimental, as others may not be aware of their contributions or ambitions.
Coach’s Note
If you've been following the “keep your head down and work hard to get noticed” mantra, it's time to shift gears. Start actively promoting yourself, your achievements, and your goals. Helgesen and Goldsmith emphasize the importance of letting others know what you have accomplished and how it has benefited the organization.
Here are some strategies to build your “self-promotion” muscle:
Keep a celebration journal: Every day, jot down your achievements, big or small. This practice helps you acknowledge your successes and builds confidence in sharing them.
Say “Thank You”: When someone compliments you, resist the urge to minimize it. Instead, smile and say thank you.
Reflect weekly: Take time each week to review your accomplishments and their impact. Use this reflection to inform conversations with your manager about your progress and aspirations.
Habits #4 and #5: Building Rather than Leveraging Relationships, and Failing to Enlist Allies from Day One
While women often excel at building relationships, they may hesitate to leverage these connections for career advancement. This reluctance often stems from a fear of appearing needy or incompetent.
Coach’s Note
To overcome this, it's essential to reframe your mindset around leveraging relationships. Use the framework of categorizing your network into personal, operational, and strategic connections, as suggested by the University of Minnesota.
Tips to get started
Categorize your network: List contacts under personal (those who support your well-being), operational (those who assist with daily tasks), and strategic (those who provide career insights and opportunities).
Define the purpose: Next to each name, note the purpose of your relationship and how they can help you.
Stay in touch: Determine how frequently you need to maintain contact with each person.
I recorded an instagram reel on this strategy a while back if you’d like more information on this approach!
Habits #3 and #6: Overvaluing Expertise and Putting Your Job Before Your Career
Fair or not, women must ‘always be on’ to be seen as credible and capable in their careers. This results in many women shying away from opportunities because they believe that they aren’t the most educated or experienced in the room. This desire to be seen as capable coupled with the urgency culture we live in, also results in women spending more time over-excelling in their current jobs and ignoring opportunities to build their future.
Coach’s Note:
While similar in nature, there are two vastly different approaches to addressing these habits. Overcoming habit #3 is involves building confidence in your knowledge, expertise and worth. Overcoming habit #6 involves actively voicing your desires (see Habits #1 and #2), and intentionally carving out time to build the skills and knowledge required to achieve those goals.
If you find yourself focusing on how you’re “less than” everyone else in the room, or over-valuing the expertise of those around you, here’s a tip to help:
Claim your worth: Make a comprehensive list of your skills and expertise. Reflect on tasks you excel at, advice others seek from you, and why you were hired for your role.
If you find yourself focusing more on the day-to-day and are not making time to develop skills you’ll need in a future role, here are two tips to help your future self:
Schedule career growth conversations: Regularly discuss your career aspirations with your boss, separate from tactical updates.
Dedicate time for career advancement: Set aside regular time for activities that support your long-term career goals, such as networking, continuing education, or strategic projects.
Final Thoughts
How Women Rise by Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith is not just a book—it’s a powerful tool for transformation. It’s essential reading for anyone looking to understand the unique challenges women face in the workplace and how to overcome them.
By identifying and addressing the twelve habits that often hold women back, the book provides actionable strategies for fostering growth, driving change, and creating more equitable leadership environments. Whether you're serious about your career or committed to supporting the women around you, this book is an invaluable addition to your toolkit.
If you’re ready to take these concepts from theory to practice, consider partnering with a coach. Learn about the Conshy Coaching Process or schedule a complimentary discovery call to start your journey.
If you found this review helpful and want more resources on becoming a more impactful leader, subscribe to my newsletter, and connect with me on LinkedIn, Instagram, and Pinterest.